# Bethak - The Desi Lounge > Teen Talks >  Clear Communication

## RAHEN

Assalam aleikum
hope that u all are fine..and thore bahut beezy sheezy.. :Big Grin: ...the topic i m about to paste is abt communication...many of us might  have somewhere in life being mis understood...some where in life we simply couldnot say wat we wanted to say...as the message sent wasnot clear...this topic is for those who want to learn something out of reading ...something which u can give as a gift to ur self...something that makes u cherish and love ur self...the topic related to Self- therapy: how to clear communication.

*Clear Communication:        * 

  *
COMMUNICATION TRICKS*
  
        I'm going to be telling you about some "tricks" you can use          to communicate clearly with anyone.  I call them tricks because most people don't know about          them 
        and because they often work so powerfully 
        that they seem to give you an unfair advantage.
  But the first thing to learn about clear communication          is that
        being tricky in the dishonest sense will always backfire on you!  Actually, when conversations get difficult, we do tend          to get at least a little bit tricky.
        Consciously or subconsciously, we try to change the subject.
        The tricks I will be telling you about will help you to 
        recognize and deal effectively with these attempts to change the subject.  (I'll be using a couple in my examples, but these same          principles apply in all communication.)
    *
TRICK #1: HAVE A PURPOSE*   Always take the time to decide your own purpose.
        Ask yourself:
*"What do I want to get out of this conversation? What is my goal?"*  If the communication is important to you at all, you do          have a purpose.
        But that purpose needs to be in the front of your mind 
        for you to have any chance of getting what you want.  Example:
        He: "Let's go for a ride today."
        She: "I'd rather stay home."  If they keep the conversation at this level, they might          talk in circles for hours.
        But if each person keeps their own purpose in mind, things can clear up          quickly.  Maybe he wants to go for a ride so he can end up at the          electronics store.
        Maybe she wants to stay home because she wants to make love.
        If they each know their own purpose 
        they might end up making some beautiful music together!
        (Sorry. Just couldn't resist!)    *
TRICK #2: REMEMBER THE TOPIC*   *When communication gets difficult, it's because the          topic keeps getting changed.*  Example:
        He: "Let's go for a ride today."
        She: "You never want to stay home."  She is trying to change the topic from 
        whether they will go for a ride 
        to whether he ever wants to stay home.  If he falls for this change of subject, he might say:
         "I do too! We stayed home all last week!"  But if he remembers his own topic he'll say something like:
        "I'm talking about today. Let's talk about that first."  And if she remembers both her purpose and her topic she          might say:
         "OK. But let's make love first, then we can talk about that."
        [...But sometimes nonverbal communication is best...]    *
TRICK #3: BE READY TO COOPERATE*   Many people don't like the word "cooperate."
        They immediately think it means losing!

        What cooperation really means is 
        finding a way for both people to get what they want
        instead of having one person win while the other loses.  In our example, both people could get what they want
        if they'd simply decide which person's desire to fulfill first.    *
TRICK #4: TALK ABOUT THE COMMUNICATION WHEN YOU NEED          TO*   There is communication, and there is "meta-communication."
        Meta-communication means "talking about the talking."  When things aren't going well 
        take a few steps backwards in your mind,
        notice the way you are communicating with each other, 
        and then comment on it.  Examples:
        When she said: "You never want to stay home."
        He could have said: "You are trying to change the subject."
        Or he could have said: "I'm talking about today and you want to talk          about what 'never' happens."
        Or: "When you talk about 'nevers' I think you want to argue."
  Each of these statements show "meta-communication."  
        Of course, meta-communication is actually a way of changing the topic.  But it is often the best new topic to bring up
        when communication is already going poorly.  Even if this conflict isn't resolved,
        learning how you communicate 
        can resolve future conflicts before they begin!    *
TRICK #5: TALK SIDEWAYS!*   Don't talk up to someone, as if they are better than you.
        Don't talk down to someone, as if you are better than them.
        You are equals. 
        Talk Sideways!  Here are some "sideways" statements our couple          could have made:
        "Which thing should we do first?"
        "I really want to take that drive. How much do you want to stay home?"
        "How can we both get what we want today?"

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## RAHEN

*          SUMMARY OF THE FIRST POST*
  Have a purpose, and remember it. Remember the topic, notice when it starts to change, and go back            to it. Be ready to cooperate - so both people get what they want. If the conversation is going poorly, talk about the way the communication            is going. Don't talk down to or up to the other person.We are still using the same couple for our examples.
         And remember that these principles apply to all communication.

 


*         TRICK #6: DEFLECT ATTACKS WITH LOGIC*   When the other person is talking down to you or implying          superiority,
        you can avoid arguing by responding with pure logic:  He: "Let's go for a ride today."
        She: "Why don't you ever want to stay home with me!?"
        He: "I want to stay home with you often. Just not today."  If he would have responded to the attack instead,
        he might have escalated the anger with statements like:
        "I'd stay home more if you weren't so grouchy all the time!
        "Why are you always picking on me?"  Or, another even worse way of responding to the attack
        would be to "join" her by being self-demeaning:
        "I know, I always disappoint you. I'm just a bad husband, I guess."
        ]This one is a favorite of alcoholics and other drug abusers. 
        It's usually used the morning after a binge.]

        The key to deflecting attacks is to say 
        how true or untrue the other person's statement is
        - and to do it in a rational way 
        that does not reflect poorly on either person.   

*         TRICK #7: CLARIFYING*   He could clarify what he wants with: 
        " I only want to be gone a couple hours."
        "I want to check out the stereos as the mall."
        "I'd rather go with you, but I could go alone too." 
  He could ask her to clarify what she wants with:
        "What do you want to do if we stay home?"
        "We could stop at a restaurant on the way if you like."
        "So you want to stay home by yourself or with me?"  

*         TRICK #8: ASK ABOUT FEELINGS*   Most disagreements don't create big feelings,
        but there are always some feelings, big or small, behind each person's          wants.  Feelings tell us how little or how much we want what we          are talking about.
        Talking about them leads to quicker and longer lasting resolutions.  After he says: "Let's go for a ride today" she          might say:  "You seem so excited about going for a ride. Why?" "Well I really want to stay home and I'd be pretty angry if            we didn't get some time together today." "How would you feel about staying home and playing              around instead?"In these examples she is either
        asking about the strength of his feelings
        or telling him about the strength of hers. We need to find out about
        and value
        each person's feelings
        to solve problems together.

 
* TRICK #9: ASK FOR DEFINITIONS*   If the communication seems confused, 
        it's usually because people are defining words differently.
        When she says "stay home" he might think "be bored and          stare at the tube."
        When he says, "go for a drive" she might think of driving aimlessly.  Statements like these can help a lot:  "What do you mean by 'go for a drive'? Where would we go? How            far? What would we do?" "What do you mean by 'stay at home'? All day? While we work            around the house?" 

 *TRICK #10: IF YOU NEED TO CONFRONT SOMEONE, BE SUPPORTIVE          TOO*   This is one of the most powerful things I know about,
        and it is also one of the most difficult things to do.  We all need to confront other people about their behavior          sometimes,
        and we all instinctively know that
        if we could do it kindly it would go much better.  But being supportive when you need to confront someone          means that
        you need to get good at using your anger and frustration wisely
        and resisting the temptation to get more immediate relief.  Watch children having temper tantrums.
        Notice that the natural thing they do is simply let it all out 
        and try to get relief immediately.  As we get older and our needs get more complex,
        using our anger wisely and in appropriate doses works far better.  For instance:
        He could have confronted her without support by saying:
        "Why do you have to want the opposite of what I want!?"  Or he could have more strongly gone for what he wanted          
        while supporting her by saying:
        "It'd be good to stay at home with you, 
        but let's do it after we see about that new stereo I want."  In order to do this well, however, 
        he would have to REALLY care about her and what she wants!
        Faking it would not only fail today, 
        it would cause huge new problems.


        By the way, learning how to really care isn't about communication          at all.
        It's about maturity, and commitment, and self-love, and loving others.

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## syeda

wow nice onee.. really informativee.. n mughe to masla yahi hota ha k i cant talk ..lolzz so its a usefull topic  :Big Grin:

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## RAHEN

i m glad it is useful for u.. :Big Grin:

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